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PLEASE NOTE. THIS IS VERY DESCRIPTIVE. DO NOT READ IF IT MAY TRIGGER THOUGHTS. I DO NOT CONDONE ANY SORT OF SELF HARM OR SUICIDE. THIS IS MY STORY.
I know what it's like to feel suicidal. To pace plan and ponder of the endless ways. To capture that vivid image in your head. To not be able to stop crying. The thoughts racing through your head. It feels like your spinning. I know... I know what it feels like to be a hair line away from taking it all away. To end the thoughts. Those feelings of self hatred towards yourself and everyone else. You feel like a burden. You feel unwanted. Empty. Alone.. You feel trapped and helpless.
All of these things and thoughts traveled through my mind like a lightning bolt at once. Everything felt so fast, like a trance. A shivering illusion. To feel as though you're being passed up by people like you're left behind in a hole to die. Many ask me why I wanted to die. They call me selfish. Wondering why I wanted to do it. Why I felt so much hate. I had been like that for a very long time. I have attempted suicide 3 times. All failed attempts and miraculously still here. The feeling of depression, of all that hate. Of all those thoughts, it made me insane. I didn't care.I had accepted all of those words that had been screamed at me. Those words from my father. Those words and abuse that would haunt my dreams. Those thoughts that pushed me over the edge. I could hear him say it over and over again in my head, "You're a shitty son, you're so fucked up, you can never seem to get anything right, you fucked everything up, you were a mistake, you, you, you, you,you! All made me crumble I used to scream in these nightmares MAKE IT STOP and cry and wonder what I did wrong. Why am I so fucked up? What made me this way? Why can't I be normal like everyone else?
I felt like I couldn't escape. All of it is so real. All of it feels to me like a war veteran. Stored away at the back of my head and to never speak of it again. To only have nightmares of the events of the past. To be on the edge again. The scariest feeling in the world to me. I never want to go back to that. I never want to have that much resentment in my heart. To be dark. I thought if only I were invisible and walked this earth unnoticed. Disappeared. No one would care. I would just be able to live with myself.
I never thought I would talk about any of this. I never thought I would still be here to tell you my story. To tell you about how I felt at that exact moment. As I write this my hands shake. My heart begins to race. I feel different right now. I never vented about this. My counselor was the one that knew it all. She listened to me tell her everything. About my past. About my abuse, about my depression, about my cuts. The never ending story. That I thought it was.
I am writing this to tell you that I have been there. I know those feelings. I had that hate. I had that remorse. I had those flashbacks and nightmares. I heard those voices scream in my head. I know what it's like. I want you to know that you can get help. You can be free without suicide or self harm. You can persevere. You can get through this. You don't have to be on the edge anymore. Don't do it. It's as what I always say, "The permanent choice" it doesn't and never ever should be. Never feel you are a disease. Never feel like you are burden. You can be happy. You don't have to feel this way.
There are things that you can do when you feel this way.
There are teen hot lines for you 24hrs a day free of charge: 1-877-274-4747 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-274-4747 end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-274-4747 end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-274-4747 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
^ That is a suicide hot line
There are also teen depression and talk hot lines also free: 1-800-843-5200,< This one is very good and I recommend because they are actual trained teens that are there to help this is a California hot line and is free: 1-310-855-4673... These are just some of the numbers that I still have stored on my phone... Not to say that I'm ever going to again, but to have in order to help someone else. I just refuse to delete the numbers.
You should also tell a parent or trusted adult or counselor how you feel. These are very strong feels and they should never be turned into actions. Suicide among teens has been on rise over the years. Statistics. Please take my story to heart and remember that suicide never has to be an option. It never has to be a solution. There is always help. Don't be part of that statistic.
I'm always here to help. To share my experience, to share my hope, to be the helping hand because I know the feeling. You just need someone to show you the way, to help you carry To have that supportive presence to have the guiding light. . I believe in you.
~Ronnie
Guiding Light.
To those that know,I know what it's like to feel suicidal. To pace plan and ponder of the endless ways. To capture that vivid image in your head. To not be able to stop crying. The thoughts racing through your head. It feels like your spinning. I know... I know what it feels like to be a hair line away from taking it all away. To end the thoughts. Those feelings of self hatred towards yourself and everyone else. You feel like a burden. You feel unwanted. Empty. Alone.. You feel trapped and helpless.
All of these things and thoughts traveled through my mind like a lightning bolt at once. Everything felt so fast, like a trance. A shivering illusion. To feel as though you're being passed up by people like you're left behind in a hole to die. Many ask me why I wanted to die. They call me selfish. Wondering why I wanted to do it. Why I felt so much hate. I had been like that for a very long time. I have attempted suicide 3 times. All failed attempts and miraculously still here. The feeling of depression, of all that hate. Of all those thoughts, it made me insane. I didn't care.I had accepted all of those words that had been screamed at me. Those words from my father. Those words and abuse that would haunt my dreams. Those thoughts that pushed me over the edge. I could hear him say it over and over again in my head, "You're a shitty son, you're so fucked up, you can never seem to get anything right, you fucked everything up, you were a mistake, you, you, you, you,you! All made me crumble I used to scream in these nightmares MAKE IT STOP and cry and wonder what I did wrong. Why am I so fucked up? What made me this way? Why can't I be normal like everyone else?
I felt like I couldn't escape. All of it is so real. All of it feels to me like a war veteran. Stored away at the back of my head and to never speak of it again. To only have nightmares of the events of the past. To be on the edge again. The scariest feeling in the world to me. I never want to go back to that. I never want to have that much resentment in my heart. To be dark. I thought if only I were invisible and walked this earth unnoticed. Disappeared. No one would care. I would just be able to live with myself.
I never thought I would talk about any of this. I never thought I would still be here to tell you my story. To tell you about how I felt at that exact moment. As I write this my hands shake. My heart begins to race. I feel different right now. I never vented about this. My counselor was the one that knew it all. She listened to me tell her everything. About my past. About my abuse, about my depression, about my cuts. The never ending story. That I thought it was.
I am writing this to tell you that I have been there. I know those feelings. I had that hate. I had that remorse. I had those flashbacks and nightmares. I heard those voices scream in my head. I know what it's like. I want you to know that you can get help. You can be free without suicide or self harm. You can persevere. You can get through this. You don't have to be on the edge anymore. Don't do it. It's as what I always say, "The permanent choice" it doesn't and never ever should be. Never feel you are a disease. Never feel like you are burden. You can be happy. You don't have to feel this way.
There are things that you can do when you feel this way.
There are teen hot lines for you 24hrs a day free of charge: 1-877-274-4747 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-274-4747 end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-274-4747 end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-274-4747 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
^ That is a suicide hot line
There are also teen depression and talk hot lines also free: 1-800-843-5200,< This one is very good and I recommend because they are actual trained teens that are there to help this is a California hot line and is free: 1-310-855-4673... These are just some of the numbers that I still have stored on my phone... Not to say that I'm ever going to again, but to have in order to help someone else. I just refuse to delete the numbers.
You should also tell a parent or trusted adult or counselor how you feel. These are very strong feels and they should never be turned into actions. Suicide among teens has been on rise over the years. Statistics. Please take my story to heart and remember that suicide never has to be an option. It never has to be a solution. There is always help. Don't be part of that statistic.
I'm always here to help. To share my experience, to share my hope, to be the helping hand because I know the feeling. You just need someone to show you the way, to help you carry To have that supportive presence to have the guiding light. . I believe in you.
~Ronnie
