To be understood

To those that know.

After all my struggles through cutting and abuse and the never ending depression that was like the monkey on my back, but it was glued there. Like a never ending itch that would never go away. You see, I know what it's like to have to get up everyday and think about how fucked up my situation is. To know that I have cuts and scars up and down my arms. To now know that the only person that ever truly loved me was gone (My grandma). She was always there for me. She knew everything about me. She knew what I liked to eat, she knew when i was sad, she knew what I liked to do. She knew everything there is to know about me. Even my not so positive times. The date that I will never forget is September 9th 2009 at 5:00 exactly PM.

This day is in my mind because that is the day that she passed on. Though I couldn't even be there on her death bed... No one in my family told me she was in a coma until she had 24 hrs to live. She had breast cancer a year before when she was finally done with the chemo she started to regain herself. Then she was complaining not even a year later that her lower back hurt. Like she had a hard time sitting down. She hated going to the doctors. So she endured the pain and when she finally went to the doctors it was too late.. It had spread from her tail bone up into the rest of her body.

My grandma was a very strong person and I know she loved me very much. She was all I had. She was the best. She lived up in Ohio. She was far away from me and I always have this thought at the back of my head, if only I had known earlier. If only y dumb ass family would have told me.Maybe I could have seen her and held her hand to tell her that I loved her. For that last time. To be there for her just like she always was for me. I got to talk to her on the phone while she was in a coma that day in September 9. They put the phone up to her ear. I was trying so hard not to cry. Biting my lip trying to be strong. Trembling as I say my last words to her, "Grandma I love you so much. I love you" I was told she didn't do this with anyone else I heard her go,"Uhhhhhhh" like she was trying to say something. She passed away 2 hrs later. Like she was waiting for me.I was told she didn't look good. I was told she weighed under 100lbs. So the one thing I can say I got out of this, is that I can remember all the good times that I had with her.

That I can say that's my grandma in all those pictures that her and I have together. I think about her everyday. I think about all of her words of wisdom. I think about her whistling Patsy Cline in kitchen as she did her dishes. Passed out while reading the paper and denied falling asleep. Her and I laughing at someone else falling down or something that really isn't supposed to be funny. I'm starting to tear up as I write this... She meant so much to me.

The message that I am trying to send with this thread is that when you lose a loved one, never forget those good times you had with them. Never forget the way they were before they were sick and or died. Just know that they're in a better place now.You don't have to forget them. Hold them close to your heart. That is what they want you to do. They want you to remember all of the good times that you had with them.

Even with pets. I know how hard it is to lose a pet and a family member. Especially when you bond with them, and you have that family love. I never really had a family. All I had was her and my brother. They are so special to me. I remember all the good times I had with her. Never forget them. They will always be with you. Those memories are forever. I hope you finally realize that you aren't alone with your feelings. Loss is a very sad process, but I finally know what it feels like, to be understood.

~Ronnie