The Feeling.

For those that know..

Those that suffer depression, go through an awful lot. I know because I was there myself and still fend off the negativity. I know how it feels to have to isolate yourself to the point where you cut off all of your friends. Where you turn your back on everything including school. Even things once liked. You feel hated. You feel unwanted, useless and that things are going to be this way and you have to accept them. Where all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. To sit in a non stop pile of nothingness feels right. Where people don't accept you is what you expect.

In my situation as in my thread in self harm, I not only isolated myself, but made sure everyone left me alone. So I could just rot away, alone with my cuts, with my misery. With my pain. With the occurring flashbacks. Just to be alone. I liked it. I liked the hate I had for everything including myself. I didn't want to change for anyone. Everything just seemed to be a bottomless fall to an everlasting chain of events that would lead to my demise. Where I would finally die and finally prove I was right like I was making it a point to prove that this was the end.

The pain for me I though had only just begun, like that cheesy song by The Carpenters (sorry for the shitty reference) like it was only going to get worse, but the fact is that it doesn't have to. Even though depression hurts. Even though it is triggered by so many things. It can be controlled. You can be happy. You can lead that happy, joyous and free life that only happens in dreams. Even though things just never seem to have a turn around you have to have that positivity. You have to have that sliver of optimism. I'm not going to say "Just get happy" otherwise this entire thread would be useless. There are many ways to find yourself and to become happy like you really should be.

Talking to someone was the greatest release to me. Even though venting is not one of my favorite things to do. As I would bottle every one of my feelings up and take the pain as I swallowed it and tried to forget about it. That doesn't have to be an option. Talking to someone you trust (In my case it was a therapist) helped me so much. When I took that heavy weight that had accumulated on my shoulders over everything that had transpired I had finally begun to open up. I never thought that I could trust people. My hatred was so strong, my feelings were so iron set. When I opened up and over time after time of going back to my therapist and slowly starting to feel better I started to think a little better about myself and maybe, just maybe I don't have to feel like this.

If venting isn't really your cup of tea then there are other options as well. Never feel like you have to narrow yourself down to one way out. Sometimes writing down your feelings in a journal. A journal is something very personal. You can write anything you want in it. Where you can put your weight. Journals can also be a good way to show the progress that you're making by looking back and saying, "I did it, I'm still alive, I can do this!"

For all of you that know the feeling of depression, never think that you're alone. Never think that this is a permanent thing. There are many ways for you to feel better. Just never think that using self harm, or isolation will fix everything. That you're some kind of disease, because you aren't a disease. You're a human being with feelings and you don't have to let them control you. Always know that you have a helping hand, a supportive presence and for those that know that feeling to find the hope that opens the door. That makes them realize that depression can be helped just like those that know..

~Ronnie